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Ayurveda-Hautnah Magazine Articles and Editorials in English
Dr. Vasant Lad
How to heal your relationship through Ayurved
According to Ayurveda, our life is a continuity that extends beyond birth and death. Life is also a series of changes and these changes are in relationship with one another. Relationship is life and life is relationship. They go together, exist together and function together. In the human body, the three doshas—vata, pitta and kapha—work together harmoniously to maintain the life function though they have different qualities, attributes, functions and different sites in the body. In unity there is diversity. In similarity there is dissimilarity. In action there is reaction. These opposite and dynamic forces work together and that working together is relationship.
Honesty and Clarity in Relationship The teachings of Ayurveda give much emphasis to relationship. The husband and wife, brother and sister, son or daughter and father or daughter or son and mother, all these relationships must be absolutely clear. Clarity in relationship breeds compassion and compassion is love. Love is clarity and clarity comes when there is communication. How can we bring clarity into our relationships? Clarity is possible when we practice choiceless passive awareness. In that awareness we are completely open to the other person, not judging him or her. We do not look at what he says or does, according to our own pattern and ideas. Put aside your thoughts, ideas, past experience and look at the person now with a totally fresh mind and open heart. In relationship, though you say, “I love my wife,” “I love my children,” do you really love them? Are you completely honest with them? Honesty is absolutely necessary in relationship. Many times we think one thing and we say another, because there is underlying fear. You feel that, “If I tell what I feel, I will hurt her feelings.” “If I say what is going on in my heart, perhaps she will be unhappy.” But if you hide from her or him, it will be bound to come back to you. If there is deep-seated anger about her or him, but externally you are saying, “Oh no, honey, you are so cute, so beautiful, I love you,” is that love? You have unresolved anger about her. Or she has unresolved fear about you. You are putting on a mask of love, a mask of friendship. This mask is unreal. You are deceiving yourself and the other. Share what you truly feel about her. Whether she likes it or not, it doesn’t matter. But bring it up, don’t suppress it. Be completely honest in your friendship, because friendship implies honesty, clarity and purity in relationship. Such a relationship is healthy. Such a relationship is a gift. Intimacy means caring for one another, loving the other as the person is. There is total acceptance, total love. And this love is loving the person as a whole. Sometimes we love only one fragment of the person. “Oh, she is a wonderful singer.” “He is a good organizer.” If you love only one fragment of a person, it is partial love. It is not complete. Every person has some good fragments and some bad fragments. Some fragments are clear, other fragments are not clear. We will use that language, rather than “good” and “bad.” How can we nourish and flower that clarity in our relationships? That is only possible when we start forgiving one another. To forgive is divine. To err is human and we all are human beings. We create many mistakes in our lives. Through mistakes we learn. We must learn through our own mistakes and not repeat the same mistakes in the present. When two persons fall into a relationship, they induce expectation in one another. When expectations are not satisfied, the result is confusion, conflict, dispute and chaos. One of the causes of divorce is lack of clarity, compassion and love. In this case there are many expectations and unresolved emotions, and these unresolved situations create more and more stress. Then the relationship becomes fragile and breaks. The couple thinks that perhaps they need to be separated from one another, because it is too difficult to live together. But in relationship we must give space for one another to grow. Space is freedom and freedom is relationship.
Power, Mirroring and Relationships If one friend dominates another friend, husband dominates wife or wife dominates husband, they destroy the relationship. They begin to manipulate through emotions, money and power. Relationships are not for gaining power. Power, prestige and position all poison relationship. They destroy the innocence of the human mind. Where there is manipulation, there is egotistical activity. Ego likes power, because ego feels secure in power. Power nourishes ego. In relationship there is no need of power. Relationship needs understanding, sharing, exploring repressed desires and emotions, and resolving unresolved feelings about one another through caring and compassion. The teachings of Ayurveda say that one can use relationship as a mirror to watch oneself as one is. When sitting alone in a room, there is no challenge, no fear, anger, envy or jealousy. All these emotions come in relationship. You learn about your hidden anger, repressed desire, about all your emotions in the mirror of relationship. If we use relationship for self-learning, self-inquiring, self-investigation, then each relationship is renewed, fresh and dynamic.
Relationship and Prakruti Another factor in understanding the dynamics of relationship is prakruti, our basic constitution. According to Ayurveda, if the husband is pitta and the wife is also pitta, there is much more criticism, judgment, comparison, competition. If is better for a pitta person to have a relationship with a person who is kapha or vata. However, if two people are kapha, they could be lazy and neither one will wash the dishes or fold the clothes. So a kapha person should have a relationship with a vata person. If your husband is a controlling pitta man with a scientific attitude, he may be a little angry when he comes home. You can think, “Oh, he is not angry, his pitta is angry,” and you will be able to forgive his anger. This approach brings new perspective and insight into your relationship. The knowledge of prakruti, the understanding of constitution, will help us to bring harmony and happiness in relationship.
The Four Basic Responsibilities According to Ayurveda, every human being has four basic responsibilities. • Dharma. The first responsibility is dharma. Dharma is the way of life, the goal of life. Dharma means experiencing the truth. • Artha. The next responsibility is artha. One meaning of artha is to make money, because without money we cannot buy shelter, food or clothes. Money is a creative and positive energy and is a responsibility of every person. Artha also means the righteous meaning of life. • Kama. The third responsibility is kama. One meaning of kama is sex. The second meaning is fruitfulness. The third meaning is desire. Kama, in all aspects, whether sex, fulfillment or desire, is for procreation. • Moksha. The last important responsibility of every person is moksha, which means perfect freedom, liberation. In order to achieve these four responsibilities, one must have clarity in relationship. Life is not a meaningless game. Life has a purpose and the purpose of life is self realization, self liberation. The teachings of Ayurveda state that achieving these four responsibilities is based upon good health. Health implies a person who has balanced relationships: balance of body, mind and consciousness; balance of the three biological doshas, vata-pitta-kapha; absolutely balanced agni, the biological fire, gastric fire, digestive fire; and balanced dhatus—rasa, rakta, mamsa, meda, asthi, majja, shukra. This perfect balance is health and health is happiness, health is holiness and health is the foundation of these four responsibilities. These days people have consciousness about health. Many people are vegetarian and practice yoga and pranayama, as well as regular exercise. But look at the quality of their relationships. They give emphasis to these fragments—diet, proper food combination, exercise, vitamins, minerals, proteins. But beyond all these fragments, beyond all good diet, the best diet of life is good relationship. Few people are interested in relationship. However, a healthy relationship is a most basic, fundamental foundation of health, happiness and longevity of life. Ayurveda gives us insight about how we can bring clarity and compassion into our daily lives. Self-learning, self-inquiry, self-investigation are most important. You are your own Bible. You are your own Gita. You are your own Koran. Bible, Gita and Koran are a healthy, happy and holy life. Your life is your Bible. To read that Bible means to read your own emotions, your own reactions in daily life. To be aware of consciousness in action every moment is the path to making your life righteous, precious and holy. Out of that awareness you become light to yourself and that light never dies. That light is love, that light is compassion, that light is pure relationship.
The doshic imbalance both in body, mind and consciousness may be one of the factor of dispute in relationship. If Vata Dosha is out of balance which may result in fear, anxiety and insecurity in the relationship. So one should pacify Vata by doing Abhyanga (Oil massage), Swedana (sudation) and periodic Dashmoola tea Basti or Anuvasan Basti according to Sama/Nirama condition of the Dosha. Internally one should take Ashwagandha, Bala, Vidari, Tagar and Brahmi. This may pacify Vata Dosha in the mind and unfold clarity in perception which may help better communication.
On the other hand Pitta aggravation in the body/ mind consciousness may create undue judgement, criticism, anger, hate and envy in the relationship. This condition can be pacified by anti – Pitta herbal program such as Shatavari, Guduchi, Kamdudha with Moti Bhasma and Saraswati. Pitta can be eliminated out by sweet mild virechan such as Nishottar, Bhumi Amlaki 1 TSP at bedtime and gently rubbing Mahabringhraj oil on the soles of feet and the sculp at bedtime. This herbal protocol will help to pacify Pitta and will improve the communication, understanding in relationship.
By and by imbalanced Kapha Dosha in the body/mind consciousness my cause lethargy, boredom, depression and dullness in relationship. To eliminate these qualities one can do Abhyanga, Snehan and Swedan and do Vamana (medicated Emesis) to irradicate Kapha Dosha from the system and the herbal protocol for pacification of Kapha Purnanava, Chitrak, Kutki and Trikatu along with Brahmi, Jatamansi is quite effective to unfold better communication in relationship.
Ayurveda has it’s unique methodology of Prashna Pariksha as councelling the couple and try to bring understanding, comprehension and communication in their relationship. This is the unique power of Ayurved to heal the person through gems, stones, crystals, Mantry therapy along with proper Vedic Astrological (Jotish) advise to improve the effect of 7th house in your Jotish chart, which is the house of relationship. If there is a negative planet ruling the 7th house which could be one of the factors of conflict in relationship, so there must be proper Upaya (remedy) to pacify the negative effect of that planet. Hence one should consult Ayurvedic expert to heal their relationship before taking any drastic step.
Excerpted from “Relationships” by Vasant Lad, B.A.M.&S., M.A.Sc. Originally published in Ayurveda Today, Volume 11, Number 4, Spring 1999. Copyright © 1999, 2009, All Rights Reserved. Reprinted with permission.
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